Time is the ball and chain of mankind

Time is the Ball and Chain of man kind.   As my Dad says.

He'd be right.

I feel like I'm constantly trying to find time from somewhere and there is never enough. Its this invisable force that pushes almost flattens us, leading us to stress out, in fear we havent got enough of it (time).

I'm feeling like I havent got time for anything lately. For some reason its moving so quickly. Partly becasue I working most of the bloody time, and its grating on me. Making me feel horrible.

Time, its bullshit really, but we all adhere to it.  Were even told what time it is, and just as a society we accept it and go with the flow. 8am is early, 2 am is late. Thats just the way it is.

I wish I could overide this 'Time' thing that has been lashed upon us. But I know I cant. I'm just one little BabyFeslower, and I'm not powerful enough to abolish time. Thinking about it the world would be a bit of a mess without it. Buses and trains, (like there on time anyway?!) dates, weddings, all that jazz. But work, boooo. Who gives a flying fuck when you have to do that, certainly not me. I have had a day off today and it seems its just gone nowhere. Time is a mother fucker.

Time Heals- or so they say?

Today was my brothers birthday. Max, for all intended purposes, would have been 26 today. Time hasnt really healed the fact hes dead.

Time hasnt healed my mothers broken heart. Time as it ticks by has only saddened our hearts more, wondering what and where he'd be. Watching his young friends turn into men, some of them not very nice ones either.

Time doesnt heal, time has an effect where you just forget how painful it was, it doesnt heal the wound. Its always there lying dorment until something reminds you.

So, talking of my beloved Max. I did the usual, waking up in a fowl mood. Venting my anger on the people who I love the most, ie Sid. The poor buggers had it bad off me today. :(

But he stuck with it, a gift rare and to be cherished. He took me to the florist, bought a lovely expensive and beautiful wreath of flowers for his grave, and we went and he sat and paid his respects with me. Something I recall is rare, never have I wanted or had the offer of this, by any past boyfriend, except I think Mr NiceGuy, but then again, he was a nice guy!

It saddened me thinking of Muriels impending wedding, its only two weeks away, and what he'd be like and the fun we'd have all together as a family. Its bullshit he wont be there.

Hopefully, in this large and undiscovered world he'll be watching somewhere, sending his love.

I've been wishing and hoping for a sign. I asked for one today. But feeling like time is constantly pushing on me almost suffercating me, I havent really been able to relax. This pounding headache is not helping either.

After we went to the grave, we had to go and do afew things arounf town and then jumped a taxi.

The taxi driver, a weird coincendence they always seem to be weirdo's and attracted to freaking me out.

I sat in the front as Sid had gear in the back, he talked for ages, and when Sid got out to drop gear at a friends. He asked me for my hand.

Me, being me, offered it. He could have been a pervert and quickly placed his wrinkly nob in it, but luckily for me he didnt.

He placed both his hands on either side of mine and closed his eyes. I did feel a strange force but when he asked I said I could feel nothing. I felt too embarrassed. He asked me if I knew what he was doing. I simply replied no.

I did have an idea, but the world and time on my back, I was just in a foul foul mood.

He told me I needed to chill out or I'd end up hurting myself and getting high blood pressure. He also said he could feel my pressence. He asked me why.

I told him because at the moment, I dont really know where I am. He smiled and nodded.

Sid returned to the taxi and looked a bit strange, why the old black man who was very excetric and funny was hovering his hands between mine. And we continued on our journey. As he sang ' In the navy, we get gravy, but in the army, we get beans beans beans!' like a total mental patient.

When I got out he asked me again what it was he was doing. I told him I knew, he ws trying to heal me. Again he nodded and smiled.

This man could have been a crazy fool, with a day release pass, and stole a taxi just for kicks. Or a nice man who did feel my pain today, My stress, my lack of time.......

He couldnt have healed me, coz this headache is fucking killin me. Then again, the stress Im feeling could need an outlet, hence pounding out of my head like a thumping club of pain. So the sign still hadnt really been good enough...

Sid bought me chinese lanterns. To let off tonight in memory.

For some reason it was me my mum. She was terrified thinking that the lantern was gonna explode or the fire was gonna jump out and attack her. So I ended up lighting it myself as she watched on.

I think its working back in a kitchen, fire or burns, although they hurt, doesnt scare me as much as it should.

So I lit it and it eventually filled with hot air. As the lantern filled and rose into the night sky, a weird flash of light struck across the sky.

You may think Im dreaming this up. It wasnt until my mum asked me if I'd seen it too, when I realised my eyes werent decieving. Weirdly something my crazy taxi driver said to me about me being in tune and pyschic.

He said I need to open my eyes more, and stop thinking my mind is playing tricks on me. With was a weird thing to say for someone who doesnt know me from adam. (who the fuck is adam anyway?)

So the flash, whatever it was I think made my mum feel better. She said, theres your sign Baby.

I just nodded and smiled, feeling a little cynical....Im feeling this way alot lately, And smiled, I didnt want to tell her it could have been anything. I dont know what, lights from a car or something, I dont know. It was weird I lights from a car. Or lightening?

As soon as I lit the lantern and it had gained momentum, and was far away, after the flash it started to pour down with rain, for literally a min and then stopped.

So unless this random act of weather is the angels showing me a sign, I'm rather cynical that maybe we all just look for signs, and make them better than they are to make ourselves feel better.

Or the other side, the power that we cannot see is trying, frustrated that we dont open our eyes enough to see the signs they are showing us everyday.

Who knows.

All I know is that, I want a sign and I want it quite a definate one, that cannot be explained. Maybe I'll be waiting a long time.

Back on the time thing.

I cant wait to get some were I dont have to worry.

Worry about, is my uniform washed? What time do I have to set my alarm? How long have I got untill I have to pay this?

Etc... Its just bullshit and I cant be arsed with it.

I think I wanna join some free loving hippy comune where nothing like that matters, and I can run tounf meadows and make daisy chains, swim in rivers and dance round camp fires. Not giving s shit about time or what stresses this shitty society bang in to our heads with a fucking jack hammer.

One day, I swear if I make enough money. I will buy a huge plot of land, it has to be in the midst of beauty. Great Britain does have alot of it. I have a free Babyflower holdiay camp, were you come, and time isnt a factor. Nature is there and you can just be free, even for the short time you stay.  Just having the freedom to be a basic human being. Eat when u need to eat....sleep when you want to sleep, have mind blowing sex day or night.  No phones, no watches, feel the freedom of not having to worry, wouldnt that be nice. Babyflowers retreat. Thats a cosmic order I'll be making.

Imagine families with sick relatives, the whole family could come stay and just spend time together.

Thats time I care about, Time used properly. For the things that matter. Because I'm telling you, when they go, they go,

Signs bo matter how good arent as good as the real thing.

Talking of the time, I have to bloody go, I have a sixteen hour double shift ahead of me tomorrow.

Do we wonder why I'm so down.

Its my last shift at the cave, I'm sad, but Ive already thought about the friends im going to miss so much, I know that I'll always keep in touch with anyway so im shouldnt  really worry.

I leave you on a quote from a nick drake song i love.... that I dedicated to my beloved Sid, who had made today a little more bearable than usaul....

Time has told me

Your a rare rare find

A troubled cure for a troubled mind

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