Realising My Strength

Its been a while since I've delved into Babyflower Land, Too be honest, a little too long.

Its seems I have been a little lost of late- Well Okay...A lot lost.

I'm on the arse end of a awful bout of Gastric Flu, somewhat of Karma I'm feeling as I havent been overly looking after my mortal coil, nor respecting the gift of life or family, or being grateful for the overwhelming love I have in my life.

As I look through my notebook, this feeling wasnow weeks ago,and I'm so glad I have overcome this dreaded feeling and sheer hopelessness.This is  due to many reasons.

Signs and Omens that I truly believe are showing me the direction in which to go.

Strength. Strength from within my soul, pushing me forward. Not letting this awful illness take over me and ruin my life.

Never the less I will continue with the piece I wrote afew weeks ago....

Watching the old surroundings of years gone by on my television, time so near but so very far away. I would love to have seen the splender of the surrounding back in Austin times. I sit and I dream away of how different and definatley more chic my life would be. It seems here, in the present day, its just grey. Grey and a world almost with no hope, and not very many people see the beauty thats left within the world.  Even I lose sight of it every so often.

So, to saythe least. Recently...(lets have a Woooo! from the crowd) Ihave been rather depressed. How unusual for this little Bi Polar Bear to become sad. Bless me. But it was due, and a near nervous breakdown overload happened. And poor Sid/Yoko didnt take too well to it.  Seeing this 'LOVE' this almost dream of a relationship falter, as I turned into the little girl off the Exorcist when shes green and pock ridden, shouting obsenities at the priests.

Being a 'Girl Interupted' hasnt got many highs when your in it. Although afterwards, when the pock marks go,and the demon is exorcised. There is alot to be learned. Wisdom, and how the lows, these awful lows, teach you to appreciate the highs when and if they come.

So, without going into much detail of the 'breakdown'.I believe it scared Sid. To the point where he couldnt be around me for a few days.

Yeah, it was just what I needed. To be feeling isolated and alone, and then to actually be isolated and alone.

But what I have to understandis this, I have been ill for years, I understand it and it doesnt shock me. Overdoses, Slashes, self harm, nervous breakdowns... are sadly things I have dealt with, with this illness.

But to him, its not normal. And I'm glad its not normal. Sometimes Ignorance is Bliss.

But also I fear, when I feel like that, that little fucking demon inside wants me to feel pain. The fear I have of not having that love just wants to push it away.

Its like I'm testing him, pushing him to his limits to see how long he will last, to see how long he will put up with me until he has to leave. And I can say, I told you so.... 

Sid said I was searching for Utopia, that Im constantly fighting against a normal life. If I think back, Mr Moon also said that.

The two men, whom Ive loved more than any other, knew/know me so well.

I am searching for a form of Utopia, although inside. In my soul. And I dont think I'm wrong to search for it. And I willnever give up. I cant abide the thought of ever having a 'Normal' life. I just cant. I know thats not the plan for me.

I know I want to help people,I just dont know how yet. And I know living where I am, is not my path. 

Soon enough, I hope I get the drive to go. GO and discover the world. Not be trapped here, my dreams and ambitions smoothered by the grey, by the crap, by the mundane 'this is how your life should be'ness.

I am not saying I havent in some ways experienced my own type of Utopia, I have.

Listening to my nephews laughing, or watching them sleep or play, is one of the most amazing feelings Ive felt. The pure loveI have for them. The overwhelming, if not scary LOVE, I feel. 

Or a warm safe feeling I get when I think backat wonderful memories of times gone by, its not Utopia, itsalmost a yearning for something I no longer have.

There is this one memory that sticks.

Im not even sure if itsreal, or its a merge of memories in one or just a feeling... but theres something about it that makes me feel warm inside, safe, childlike.

We had a flaming fire when I was a young girl. Which reminds me, I should really get a flaming fire,they are great arent they? That when I can afford one, actually, first things first, I need my own house to put it in??

So anyhow, the fire is flaming and warm, silently flickering. I'm in myliving room, and there is no lights on, just the light from the television and the fire. Its quite dark, but not scary dark.

The carpet is crimson red and smells of shake and vac. And Im sitting on  cream sheepskin rug. I have a large towel wrapped around me. Or maybe it seems so large, because I am so small.  I have just had a bath, and the smell of Vosene shampoo is on my damp hair.

I feel warm and safe.  And even though I cant see them, even though this memory is me alone. My family are close.

They are near, and my brother Max, is alive. The Saint is not a crazed alcoholic. We are ok, happy, and love surrounds me.

Maybe that was my Utopia. One I'll never feel again properly.

I remember though when I was a child. How I was still as I am now,a worrier. 

I remember lying in bed, worrying about childbirth. For somereason I thought that when you grew up, you would just automatically become pregnant? Idont know who I thought I was, the virgin mary or something?Maybe it was because my mother was pregnant ALOT through my childhood, ha.

I remember worrying that my nan would die, I used to cry myself to sleep sometimes, also question my mortality.

And run into my parents room sobbing, so scared, and panicked, that I was going to DIE!!

Is that normal? Should I have been thinking and worrying that much as a child. Maybe it was the begginning for me, the begginning of always over thinking, being so damn sensitive and worry.

If I think about through out my life, the time Ihave wasted on worrying, damn, there would be a lot of time to look upon. It makes me sad really. That I wasted this time. I need to remember how worrying is so unnessersary.

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra 
equation by chewing bubblegum.

Sunscreen By Baz Luthram

Worrying is such a waste. I have to stop it. 

I'm sure its one of the things that is stopping me from my fate, ,my destiny.

Like right now, I'm safe and relatively happy in my little boudior, but suddenly worries from Work Collegues to World Famine pop intomy mind and I cant get them out of my head. Its like I'm burdened. I worry about everyone, and anything. Though I'm sure when people see me, look at me, with my FaceMask on, they dont see it. I'm sure people think I'm actually a lot stronger than I am. Or maybe I just dont realise yet, how strong I am.

So, in between running to the toilet to relieve my Gastric Flu. (Sorry if thats too much Information!), and this awful headache I have rocking out inside my brain, Ican say hand on heart, that these last few manic weeks have been BULLSHIT, to say the least.

This dreaded fucking illness I have,stops me, stops my life in its tracks and takes over for a while and messes with my head. Taunts me and makes me weak.

But as I know, I come through it. (thank the Lord, as sometimes it scares me one day I wont) But this time again, I have come through it.  Yeah, I am strong.

I'm reading 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho at the moment. and What a fantastic read it is. Its tells you of something I believe in wholeheartidly, signs and omens, that lead you to where you are supposed to be. And through out my life, these signs have put me back on the right track.  That glimmer of hope.

The glimmer of hope I got, was a sign. Last night, and it was amazing. 

Look for these signs, they will appear so brightly when your eyes are open.

Babyflower xxx

(The story of my Sign is the next blog.)